Nov 10, home practice reflection

After all the focus of the weekend, today in my practice I just wanted to dance, and feel fluid and light. My practice felt full of discovery as a played with refining the principles in ways that Shraddha illuminated for me this weekend. I felt so balanced, and poised. I felt a spaciousness inside and the alignment just started to flow through.

Power of Intension

Reflection from Shraddha’s class, Sept 4

Shraddha’s (my local Anusara teacher) theme yesterday was the play between expansion and contraction and how we use contraction (such as setting boundaries) to support our ultimate expansion. It was an amazing sequence that felt so great for my body.

The theme especially rings true for me- I could hear this theme 100 times because its just so real and applicable to daily life. I’m starting to feel a bit scattered and stressed about school starting and all the stuff coming up this fall- so this theme reminds me to put into place boundaries and a solid foundation so I can expand in the directions I want.

Expansion for the fall: softening to the universe’s support and guidance

Boundaries/contraction:

- 10 + min daily morning meditation to notice body, breath, set intention, sing invocation

- evening reflection: how did i fulfill my intentions- affirm myself. Where can I work to expand more.

- yoga practice-5- 6 x/week. 40-120 minutes. At least 3 practices a week where I don’t think about teaching.

-Weekly classes with Shraddha.

- Meditation classes with Nancy

-eating mindfully (not studying or reading while I eat)

Its really great to reflect back on this- I wrote them down in September. And almost 2 months later I am really pleased that I haven’t wavered in manifesting them. I thought it would require a lot more muscle energy to get myself to be regular with these practices, but somehow my heart has just know this is what I need to stay steady in my life and I have incorporated them with out much kicking and screaming. What a delight! I’m sure periods will come where I need to renew my commitment, but right now these practices feel very nourishing and necessary.

The Universal Principles of Alignment of Anusara are clearly not just physical- they help me align my  life around a clearer and higher purpose and facilitate my growth and balance.

Reflection from Progressive Teacher Training (from Aug 5)

Gee, where to start!? I feel so empowered from this training. The way Betsy broke things down for us makes teaching feel so much more do-able. I feel like a huge veil was pulled off many poses that are so difficult for my students- now I can name what’s difficult about them clearly and how to teach more systematically over time to build student’s capacity for growth.

The work we did with heart qualities and themes helped me to unpack and realize why Anusara yoga is so powerful to me. We take a heart quality and through connecting it to a physical action we help our students embody that quality. Especially when this trickles through the class and then surges at the apex (a most difficult pose) students can have huge openings and feel really empowered that they can live in a new paradigm. This certainly doesn’t happen in every class, and in the beginning when the body is still quite contracted you might only get glimpses of this sort of embodiment. Often in these beginning years of practice the mind has to shift first, as the body gradually opens. Then once a practitioner gets more advanced the metaphors of the themes in physical poses become much more obvious – such a drop back to wheel pose being an embodiment of trusting.

There are also great metaphors of embodiment in the poses themselves- animals (cobra, dog), occupations or legendary characters (warrior, hanumanasana), and states of being are conveyed through the pose names.

I had glimpses of what we can learn to embody in Kara and Karen’s Anusara classes, but when I had my first class with a Senior teacher, Desiree Rumbaugh, I had a whole new revelation of the power of Anusara. I think the physical difficult of this level of practice makes you become intensely focused and open, you pair down to just your body and heart.  That level of practice Desiree certainly had a part in helping me open to receive her message and have a big mental/physical/spiritual shift. In that class with her (actually it was a 3 hour workshop and a 2 hour class) she talked about the universal as the back body and how we have to tap into that to be more powerful in our poses, stop over-efforting all the time with our small little selves. This was really powerful for me- I had spent the last several years trying to control and take everything on myself- from my diet to difficult family dynamics…

Coming back to Besty’s workshop, I feel like I gained some tools to learn how to create space for students to have these kinds of experiences in my classes. For example we learned a slouch exercise where you have students press on each other’s shoulders in a poorly aligned stance vs a more aligned stance. This is a really clear way to demonstrate to beginners through advanced students how we embody our attitudes and the way that when we shift our embodiment our attitude might shift in response. (This might be interesting to do in my thesis presentation). I used this exercise in the Women’s Studies presentation I did and there was a really good response. (I need to blog about that experience this week!!)

Eye of the Tiger, Denver

I went to an “eye of the tiger” practice today at Om Time in Denver. Eye of the tiger basically means really intense, long, advanced practice where the teacher practices with the students. Its great to play such a strong community of yogis. There were 8 of us, including the teacher. It as very inspiring to see the level of practice here, and also exciting to feel that I could keep up pretty well. Julieta, one of 4 or 5 certified Anusara teachers in the area,  is incredible strong and open, and also sweet and fun. She demonstrated some amazing back bends with tremendous grace and strength, some that I’d only ever seen in pictures. I wish I could have a weekly practice of that caliber to really help me take it up a notch. We did crazy handstands and backbends and I got into some new and interesting (some times uncomfortable) places in my body. Its hard to motivate oneself to practice at this level one your own- hopefully one day I’ll be able to build this sort of kula in Waterloo! When you’re practicing at a level that pushes your edge you have the opportunity to discover and open to new possibilities and I think that translates to life off the mat- I left feeling strong and empowered, brightened.

The one critique of Eye of the Tiger- Since the teacher is practicing along with the class there wasn’t much in the way of a theme- I really missed this. A theme really helps me come into my center more- i need those reminders that its not just physical and mental practice, but also a practice of the heart. Some teachers do bring more of a theme in, even when they are practicing along, I wish this has been the case.

I also bought the Radiant Sutras while I was there- I’ll be looking to see what they say on embodiment! They’ll also provide some great juice for class themes.

carrying the practice

1000s of miles away from home the practice travels with me. I meditated on the plane, did a few poses to release all the sitting before bed, and then meditated again. This morning I got up and directly moved into meditation and yoga practice- practicing feels totally instinctual and routine, despite all of my surroundings being different. The room I’m staying faces east, it was wonderful to actually salute the sun, and feel filled by its warmth and light.

I felt quite anxious and emotional while traveling yesterday. Today after such a good practice I gained greater capacity to be with the reality of what is and look for the peace and joy. I’ve been focusing on Thich Nhat Han’s passage on touching pain and touching joy- I’ll look for a link to post to it… his outlook is so compassionate and gentle, its really wonderful. I also have been contemplating Cope’s section from “Yoga and the Quest for the True Self” about living in the real. He talks about finding the balance between awareness/clear seeing and equanimity/calm abiding. Right now in the midst of some difficult adjustments and limbo I think I really need to cultivate a strong sense of calm abiding. A few quotes that struck me from Cope:

“In addition to acknowledging and experiencing life, we must learn to “bear” life, with both its attendant vicissitudes and pleasures. By “bearing” Semrad means creating the capacity in the self to tolerate the experience of life. He means creating a container to hold life in such a way that we are not shattered by it. He means developing the calmly abiding center as a continuous home base from which it is possible to range freely through our entire experience…. without the foundations of the calmly abiding self in place, the experience of awareness can simply be shattering, fragmenting, and traumatic…” (126).

Its all based on practicing balance and finding equilibrium (which is not static)- moving back and forth between greater awareness and calm abiding. “As more abiding center is cultivated, it calls for and creates the container for more awareness. As awareness is honed, and more of the unconsicous is revealed, it calls for stronger abiding center to hold it” (138).

At this point in my practice calm abiding meets me on the mat, and from there I just have to be ready to meet it, go into it at my center and cultivate it. Today I was able to really experience it in the practice- its a sense of center, its a sense of being grounded, being held in the practice physically and mentally, and being able to trust that i can rest into that warm embrace.

Flow

Sometimes the practice just flows out of me, I don’t have to consciously plan what I’ll do next, a sequence that feels aligned and therapeutic just comes. I get into this wonderful space where neither my mind or body is dominant, they’re just together, making this beautiful art of the practice. At the end savasana is a delicious release. When I finish a practice like that, sometimes I’m able to just rest into that flow. This evening I mindfully move on to make dinner, and a mixture of ingredients just comes together into something nourishing and scrumptious. My body and mind together feel at ease, efficient, grounded. How wonderful.

Nourishing Practice

I just had a wonderful 90 minute home practice. My practice has never felt this strong, focused and nourishing. I feel so alive when I’m practicing, so aware and present. The principles of alignment are so beautiful to play with in my body- I can feel each one carrying through me in the poses.

I’ve also been practicing with different music, more upbeat and lyrical stuff, and it gives me more fuel and gets me into the groove of my body more and out of my head a bit more.

I can see how progressive teaching is working in my personal practice too- I’m breaking down challenging poses into components and strengthening and preparing my body in a more systematic way to go to the next level of depth in the practice. Its beautiful to have this process to work with, and to use my thesis work to step aside a bit and watch my practice unfold.

Previously, when I’ve been going through something difficult in my life, my practice more easily has fallen away. I’ve found a million ways to avoid it when I need it most. I set an intention this year to not let that happen. I set an intention create supportive boundaries in my life, one of which is my practice and also regular meditation. I had expected to resist these boundaries, to have to push myself into them a bit. But this challenging time feels really different, its like my practice has built loving fortress around me and just invites me into its deeper chambers, holding me and giving me fuel to keep opening to the world with a loving, compassionate heart despite the ache it feels.

I think part of the reason that it feels easier has to do with space. Physical space in the sense that I’ve been given and have created a beautiful space in my room for my practice. I have a gorgeous hard wood floor, a good wall to work with, accessible props and a small alter. Also I have the intellectual space to dive into the practice more through this reflective work with my thesis. I’m really starting to feel that my academic work is supporting my physical and spiritual practice, and it is a beautiful gift.

Thoughts from Conversation with Emma

Emma and I were talking about the Universal Principles of Alignment of Anusara yesterday and how conscious and aligned physical practices can translate so easily into the rest of our life. We were comparing the 5 Rhythms of Gabrielle Roth and the 5 principles of Anusara and we found a lot of similarities. They have a similar flow and pulsation through them.   We come to understand these flows and pulsations (in Anusara we call it the dance of Yes and No) physically, and then from the physical level they branch out globally into the rest of our lives and you can see how they apply in relationships, in the workplace, in times of joy and tragedy.

Yoga practice gradually becomes integrated into all aspects of our lives- yoga becomes HOW we live. The physical practice of the Universal Principles are a physical microcosm of aligning up our lives in a big way.

The theme of Shraddha’s class yesterday was full engagement. How do we engage fully in the moment, in our practice. When we engage life fully life engages us back- rather than just happening to us, we enter into a relationship and begin to see ourselves as co-creators of life.

Interesting Note: Gabrielle Roth who created teh 5Rhythms studied with Gregory Bateson… so says wiki and this article… http://books.google.com/books?id=m-kDAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA80&lpg=PA80&dq=Gregory+Bateson+%2B+Gabrielle+Roth&source=bl&ots=Ht5ln5Dt2E&sig=KEkWgfncM7qYaodFrdAQItUxrJY&hl=en&ei=buG8Sse9GqGMtgfd7PiKAw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#v=onepage&q=Gregory%20Bateson%20%2B%20Gabrielle%20Roth&f=false

my back hurts!!

So I’ve been dealing with low back pain off and on for a LONG time. I first remember having issues in high school tennis. I don’t really remember much about what was going on, it would hurt on one side near my hip. I did ultrasound therapy, chiropractic and got orthopedics and it mostly got better.  I wasn’t very knowledgeable about my anatomy at that point, and my body awareness was about 1/3 of what is now (although it was pretty good compared to the average teenager- i did dance, yoga, gymnastics and tennis growing up).

I remember having issues with it towards the end of high school/beginning of university, but at this point in my life I was dealing with major pain in the form of constant tension/TMJ headaches, so my brain may have repressed the back back, because I could only deal with so much at once… I’m not sure that this is biologically possible, just a guess. Also very possible that the back stuff just wasn’t causing issues then.

My back issues resurfaced with vengeance this past winter (2009). Now I have better understanding and awareness of what’s going on. I know that my Sacro-Illiac join is going out of alignment. Sometimes I can feel it move out, and feel a pinching pain. This causes all my low back muscles to seize and become very tight and painful.

I’m very flexible and my joints are loose, but at the same time it feels like I’m really tight and I have nearly constant pain/tightness in my hips, low back, hamstrings, and hip flexors. My massage therapist does deep facial release and says I have a really hard time releasing. The pain gets really frustrating and tiring. I can feel it irritating me mentally, and taking mental energy to suppress. I also feel that so much of my practice energy goes into trying to release the pain that I’m not progressing in other areas of my practice- but on the other hand I’m learning a lot from my body, and I’m sure that this challenge is going to serve me in my future and in my teaching.

Specifics of the pain:

I tend to feel pinching on my left side more often, but I think that do go out on both sides. My femurs are also constantly clunking around and feel unstable in their sockets. This is especially true of the right side. If I lift the right leg to 90 degrees, no matter how much muscle energy I use, there is a big clunk on the way down. I don’t know if i should be concerned about this?

Emotional components:

Although these issues have been consistently present for the past 9 months, I have noticed that they have worsened when I’m under emotional stress, especially around issues of loss and grief. I also find they are worst between ovulation and especially bad right before my menstrual cycle begins.

How the universal principles of alignment apply and other unique/puzzling things about my body:

As I’ve already described I have a fairly classic “organic energy body”- loose joints, very flexible, graceful, curvy. I have a bit of over internal rotation in my legs, when my feet are parallel the four corners of my knees point inwards about 15-20 degrees. So my understanding is that I should turn my feet out 15-20 degrees in all lateral poses to correct this?

I was experiencing a lot of low back pain in back bends in an intensive with John Friend in June and he did some work on me. First he had my turn my feet up a bit (I assume to line up the four corners of my knees) and had my widen my feet apart. He took two fists to my low back and had me drag my heals back really hard, then he pushed his fists together and the pain got WAY worse (I’m guessing he was accentuating muscle energy), then he pulled his fists way apart, and it felt like my pain was being blasted away and I felt great in the pose for the first time in months. After that my back was better for the rest of the intensive. It started acting up again after I spent a night on the bus. I’m puzzled about this because I thought my issues were caused by too much organic energy and not enough muscle energy (stability in the joints). I also have fairly flat thoracic and cervical curves.

Teaching is a refuge

Sometimes teaching can become draining. This happened last spring when I let my self get too busy and too worn down. At that point I didn’t have good boundaries in my life- I was letting my own yoga practice fall to the side in my attempts to fulfill expectations, earn a living, and excel at everything. My teaching got inconsistent and I felt like I have nothing left to give.

But right now the opposite is true. This week I feel emotionally and mentally drained from some hard relational/personal on-goings. In this time, teaching feels like a refuge. For the hour and half that I’m in front of a class I am completely with them- focused, alive, giving. I guess part of why it feels so good is that right now i feel disempowered by the circumstances in my personal life- things that have a big effect on my life are completely, 100% out of my control. Of course i can control how I react to them, this is always true, but when I’m teaching I get to act and embody a different role. I embody a confident, bright, leader. Everything else just drops aside and I am fully present with my students and the message that I want to convey. Maybe this is escapism? I prefer to think of it as a well needed refuge.

comments welcome.

Thurs Sept 17

Today my mind felt quite muddled and unclear- classic symptoms of too much stress. In Shraddha’s class this morning I felt pretty disconnected, I just wasn’t feeling it. My back was hurting a lot and I was getting frustrated because I just couldn’t figure out how to keep my SI and hips from popping all over the place.

Teaching tonight I felt really unclear as well- my thoughts were not translating in to concise instruction and my themeing felt like an after thought. I didn’t take enough time to get mentally prepared and in the zone. I also felt nervous that another teacher, AM was in my class. I felt disconnected from my self and from my students. Hopefully they didn’t notice too much… uhh.

Practice Reflection

I had a crummy day today, and my practice felt like my refuge. I grounding poses – hip and hamstring openers, and restorative poses where I just zoned out into my breath and let my body go. It felt really good. My other refuge was in talking with Rosie- so happy to be living with supportive lovely women.